reflection on 2008 journal

 

Its same pattern on the back, Wow, Was I naive back then, such a sweet summer child.

Wow, I've written some naive scribbles, and it's all okay. I was young. 18 years of me going through and writing in desperation, selfishly in my journal to see if I could make sense in the world. With the internet opening up and silly marketing opportunity, before League of Legends, before the discovered weirdo reactionary cults.

This is what I have to entertain others, lay it all out, be relatable or alienable in the vast expanse.

Now it's confused, it's bewildered, it happens to meander in random circles going III pure ego'n self. Rather, with my own writings editorial rather than now.

I don't wanna devolve into into childism, Naive I was.

Truth comes out the childs mouth, it's like seeing children's entertainment.

"I'm lonely"

 I'm said I'm lonely on the phone, then a cuddle followed afterwards.

I've realised why gaming on twitch can get so drab, even with the romance genre, I can't find a relationship specially tailored to myself only if I can illustrate it and write about it.

I know i have a middle class peitite restaurant where i get a smashed burger, because why not? Rambling about licensing and then the AI will be a diversion from the usual solitary confinement I get within picarto. Did not discuss it.

Maybe i need to reach out. It was what they say within.

Jane, breast cancer survivor doing cat cartoons. James on the right. (Scuse me if I miscredit.)

That was it, it was all a plan to make me feel less lonely for a moment so I could continue looking at this screen and my drawing tablet, I'm alright now. What an out of the moment day of alienation.

Artfight platform Ruminations to license reductionism

Previously, Zei has retreated from art fight due to restrictions and, copyright apparently, or repetitive usage within boss fights. He had to remove it due to stresses now.

Oh, silly platforms, middlemen and the rent-seekers. Is this the case? What is this, is this the amount of ways that are made and that it's exposure again.

Exposure builds credibility (be it commercially), right? Or that's how it works through the public. This is the age within the Internet where there's infinity and free, what is there to license any more? Should we license? Paywall? Rhetorically, I answer here.

This was designed for one on one communications or small, viable audiences; the internet like a place like this.

Work means showing up on demand, in others terms and hitting specifications, a hobby is something one does to entertain oneself, like the YouTube poops. The hobby economy will still continue regardless, with new sites cropping up. Along with the shelf space like that.

Yet this is for the satisfaction of paying within one's own work forward, with minimal editing and interaction. That's supposed to be an art trade, some hours a day, drawing and done. Yet I can understand there are other commitments and bigger projects others could do.

Back to the struggle/share duality again, another choice to make. Can't argue with the free hugs guy, I'm a free hugs guy who does not give away licensed hugs.

(Going through the rationales)

It's non-profit and could be part of other education, so I'll give it that. The caterer gets front-page access, yet there's merely more braggability of doing other gift work somewhere else. Still that front-page space with a support to provide for the platform, the proprietary platform that I'm meant to entertain again.

Miserablism/Euphoria

Heaven n Hell, as within Christian myth.

Dystopia, Utopia, from society to individual attitude of psychological act. Societal act That it dances with our own distinctions on an axis of our canvas.

Our canvas such that it's to make us whole, to that end where are own miserables moments are contrasted with the euphoric. 

Such has been explored within the game of scarcity of status of a mystical micromanagement, a thing of understanding souls into a hylomorphism of worlds that can indicate a being of finding a balance of mini-buildings, then towards bigger buildings.

Guess Journalists are still playing it to this day. Such an impact.

Demiurge, pan dimensionality, a moment of slither of time that's had a way in influencing the urban fantasy of my dreams.

Let it flow in.

My Friggin' casual Hypersexuality

Sexual Anonymous  on how I yearn for modesty and chastise performance when I'm stuck in a rut.

Apparently, should I be brazen or shameless

The life of an imperfect sex god within a narrativeless subtraction, made for the sexual impulse and not being able to be entertaining the other typographical conceptions.

Wish it was not distracting from doing my duties, it wiggles, it fantasies worthless axiologies onto parasocial visages. It can't be contained, it deludes, and it traps itself within its euphoric prison.

This kaleidoscope of churning reproduction along with a demand that I need to get back to meaningful work, the detachment of pride and needing to express something.

Guilty? Self-pitying? Nah, this is yet another confessional memoir in respect of all the complicated sexual novels that I'm reading.

'Didn't do it for the views' Confession of a mild ambulance chaser

Didn't do it for the views?

How did Good become a monopoly/monopsony, then?

How does that explain the direct advertising industry complex?

Look at the insincerity of it all.

Hypersexuality is the most profitable, ab-tested proven thing to work. Or so they say

All clout chasing. I mean, there is clout chasing and status roles in regard to everything, like it's not going to go away with it attaching to tropes and our own organisational structures with governance. Only then we do act.

(Oh dear, looks like my villain is writing poetry, however an agree with the lower line.

by @odendo.bsky.social‬

"All unwritten rules of social media regarding reaching out socially are fake and dumb, and are only upheld because maybe one or two people without boundaries rubbed the originator the wrong way. EVERYONE is fishing for attention and let no one tell you otherwise"

Well, considering everybody is prospecting for a sinecure. It's going to have to be case by case.

B Meltdown as a teen/arcade visit

 Computer room, where it's the time of early twenties, playing Resident Evil, outbreak.

"I'm going to be left alone with no love." Be it for a denial for a turn, or a bad day, that was a moment when he stormed out, I can't remember the rest. That's a point of drawing a string from the back.

I can't remember the specifics. I've been trying to make sense of it to this day, edgy teen stuff that did not spiral into anything too negative, Upstairs with a faint smell of cannabis now.

Processing Grandads Visit

Working in adult entertainment, one realises how much life does wait for what our oughts are made, reality underneath our own reckoning. Powerless with our own words are to the power of what of our actions become.

"He's got cancer and is trying to get it rid of it at the hospital."

Please let this not be another death of a Grandparent, for Pete's sake. I'm still trying to acknowledge my mortality of what my other grandparent had gone through. This all adds to the urgency of my own artwork. My inner drive with its own need to express in this pushing current that we all call a 'free' direct response of microblogs.

"Will you come tomorrow?" Said my parent

Of course!

"Five years, it's the start."

Now I'm going to have to go again, now I'm going to have this thing, he said he's got faith and that he's processing it, or is it some kind of whimsy defeatism that's managed to take.

When i heard the news, i sent Grandad all the images of Theodore, and the Silver estate. Maybe he'll get a glimmer in the glory days.

They will be another church visit, and it will be another reminder.

Life stops, and starts again.

Paintify, app then png of what happened, grandad in the middle.

There was no pain, I could process it well. Eighty-eight years, him gesturing with a shut up you bugger, and Boragreed maple the third with regard to a pig they named. They are concerned about the rising retirement age for benefits.

Glad he liked the images of Theodore and my character images.

Birthdays overated 1000 streams past

Now existentially I float considering if these sketches are a thing, even though I did ask that before, now that it's become a sunk cost, and abandoned cost, this was supposed to think with words, not with pictures. Literature crunk, not visual crunk.

What taught me the value of dialogue has only made me think in terms of a dialectical relationship.

What can be done with another non-seo stream where I work on my art and not entertain others to interruption advertising like a React streamer? Despite this rationalisation of a bad attitude, I don't accept it, I only try to be realistic with what is given out dealing with the age.

Move on, was not expecting a return to reciprocity from this. As family matters complicate (see memoirs) I'll merely have to enjoy what I can with the spirit of creation. Guess they will still be bought direct marketing with that herd mentality. I'll have to ignore it.

If everybody is a prospect of return, then everybody, including family and friends is a customer, I don't like that outlook, too transactional.

Wish paths to being better were not so crude. What do I feel now that I've past a thousand streams, of my inner thoughts of being inner sync with my processes?

A deliberate attempt at a focus, I must say.

Aaah, a something from the grandparents, A dog rose.

Graphic Design gig get

Stress Ball among the clutter

I'm officially a published author, with the royalty check going to my parent.

I feel like a hack since a like to focus on general physical preparedness of my bodybuilding, now it's time to reap the benefits.

Or so it seems, I guess it was business from. The client, from the clutter of the slush pile that is the internet today, work comes from a privilege which, I admit, one that's not to be taken for granted. Do take advantage of them when necessary.

This ain't and anti-LGBTQ or smoking which I'm thankful for, so it's not like I'm adding into the worst impulses of the system, merely within it. Case by case of the yoga poses I drew.

I haven't made it, if that's what you want to know. This was a networking sort of thing.

"oh that's a bunny rabbit"

When was my in my teens, Nintendo dominated my life, Pokémon stadium dominates my life.

Over the family life of the Nintendo sixty-four, there it was, right with the attempt where I was such a silly youth, and there were doing serious events regarding one of their aunts. I was switched back and forth between my mini console, my own team with my Pikachu. Popular culture does not need defending due to their popularity, only my love-hate relationship was forming, from passive to active, there was my aunt after a 20-minute play session with my brother.

"That's a cute bunny rabbit."

Funny, how despite all my Pokémonese that there was a woman there, and it was meant to be a regret because it was one of the last words that I was going to hear before I heard news of her passing.

Darn, well I'm sorry. Guess I'm a kid, is that forgivable, is our culture today, however commodified forgivable? Incurious, as I was, was busy winning a gym match of spectacle that I could not comprehend the outside world. Did she even care at that moment?

Was unaware of my naïveté as she was unaware of her trivia.

Rest well.

Idiosyncratic points: For the personal few

 The cliquish, too bigger, or so that's what the writing of the paradox of growth says, of reduction and of retraction. Coterie as it is said and critiqued.

Though the smaller the person within the message of the user to another, supposedly, the more it will be sent. Or so is the mental framework.

Well, I write for you, personally editing and making it as go for mental clarity, It's not going to be lost on discord, twitch or any of those sharecropping platforms, it's going to be made here, for you readers.

Almost towards a thousand, Into the cushy depths I go.

( Idiosyncratic points are apparently afforded to artists by those toe-dippers, a concept that happens to go today.)

very interesting ______

That was the reply my grandfather gave to me when i showed him my entertainment persona.

That was his reply, I don't think he can contemplate the concepts I was able to articulate all the concepts as he attended to his own business. That's the most charitable speculation.

Yeah, family is growing more distant with the meetings and then becoming photos with their own advice, with all that happens. Is this stoicism is a matter with all there, a matter of all of us, although this stoicism does not proclaim it towards any entertainment channel. Even though I feel like I'm being ruthless about it.

Is this really masculinity redefined? How do we deal with death that we take for life for granted? They all want to dedicate towards pleasure, or some activity. It was a design for lift that meant to deal with death, adapted for modern living, being put towards a foundherntist 3-Dimensionality of knowledge mesh. With epistemological boundary and a road-map to clear the thought processes.

How such a performative stimulus of thought matter could be reconfigured when these memories that construct our own non-self or selfs?

Well, thanks Grandad.

Beach Visit

The pier, sketch in the car, and the burger meal with garlic mayo

Self portrait in the sand.

Dealing with an over-caffeinated cup within a yellow Addius jumper. Following a message online with wanting to practice Impromptu.

It was a quick 2-hour visit, a world with such a visit that was filled the breath from the work schedule of comicing that's made with a family.  It's all that essentialism towards a material that made me want to leave it. Came with a empty candy floss bag and a reason why I'm not a regular at restaurants.

Burger was worth it though, no tummy bugs other than that hurl from not having limits within my coffee limit, It's a choir though. Why haven't I got to the time with playing with amusements? Is it my lack of response and measured attempts to fulfil an aspiration to something?

It's an attempt, I tell my Brother about Bluesky, he hasn't even heard of it, the internet moves so fast that even my family. He don't know about the microblogging and the attention spans there, it's a world that's going faster beyond my control. The cheesy attempt of determinism.

Yet this is the pace that I choose right now, and I own.

( I bet he does not know of the rule 34us industry complex within adult entertainment, oh well, domain knowledge's will never match up completely with our public languages.)

I can't entertain elitism about being online so much.

@motfal.bsky.social

Have scrumbly! Stream commission.

How am I responsible for a micro-entertainment persona.

~Couch Gregor

-------- new family girlfriend

15 portrait.


My brother has a Congo line of romantic relationships. This girlfriend admits her age and chuckles for a moment, inebriated as they move towards with chuckles with my own single solitude with a computer.

This one is friendly, with a secret handshake and a promise to goto KFC. On Saturday, It did not follow through as a washed-up gesture. I arranged for it to be ordered. Had to focus on my craft'n all.

The only time I liked the time where it was Monday morning, with my family getting the sizzler stacker in a compressed moment. That was serviceable and quick, the convenience taken for granted.

Now a supermarket air fryer chicken along with a heated wrap could do the trick, for another day of hack work making rounds to an empty reaches of what may be called 'an audience'.

What works with love, as I can hope this diet. Through metaphor and reality, is sensible now.

Hermit editorial

Being a novelist is what I do. Against the status quo, wow, what a challenge.

I was the anti-social kid for being obsessed, compelled with specifications of drawing. It's all not serviceable to the meaning of the Internet, only wanting status and affiliation. What a world of wild-west randomness that I cannot determine.

This is the prices and input/output with social interaction being coded and calculated amongst and stream of ones and zeros, towards a distribution tract where others squabble to.

Being on the moon can help, yet the payment itself is legible. Always a positive'n negative with such a means to express oneself journalistically like this.

Editorial stuff like this ain't necessarily contradictory. It's happening once the noise of the fictional entertainment/amusement dries up. Solitude allows the irrationality and conflicts to be played out, safely.

All my characters are split from my ideological conflict so that it can leave into an ending, between the primordial chaos and the orderly fixed catagorys.

( Also, Streamlining my rants, politics, and postmodernism into Editorial )

Another fanart. Citizen as product.

HpComic, With the lack of demand I was picked with the infinity of e-begging, had to approach him with extreme compassion.

 That's it, everybody is fishing for attention to covert into money, and it's the growing undercurrents where it's all socio-political again.

Will always hold whatever way to reach for attention under suspicion.

Sure enough from thr mos cynical to the most optimistically believable, shall another post pass.

Gotta understand how important credability is.

Clarification of Intention : Non-Fiction

"Seven min which could be five. Warm fluffy sweats from Christmas, and worn-out sneakers, has its function still. I stand like a wobbly chess piece." 

That was the moment where I had known, that these attempts of writing that I'm trying to think clearly, even if it's for myself.

Even if it's all newspeak and conspiracy, I will only believe a few that are backed.

Like how social media is a training ground for popular publishers. At least the literary publishers are honest about delivering an audience.

Best be aware that we are a resource for these types.

Frustrations of a other place: Twitch

What came to me with that couch?

Did I see an embarrassment? Failed Irony? Insight that are my creativity ain't going to be rewarded by the financial goals of ad driven sites?

All rhetorical questions. Yearning for imposter syndrome, within fictional entertainment.

There could be a billion reasons for a single view on my channel, and they could be a much more. Ain't my job to probe why. Pretentious meeting simulator within network television. That's mass media. There goes more attention to a sloppy crypto ad.

Getting off twitch has been a boon, oversharing is exhausting.

My feelings with the pokemon base

Skintilla, One of the Twitcher streamers who are couched. Now for my feelings. Oil pastel paintings bring me back.

I have been the most jaded kid, and I have been the most enthusiastic kid. Fandom and hated does that to ya, let me tell ya. Ambivalent-dom? Nah, My relations are alright now.

What am I to do with the most commercial property, with the popularity of the publisher leaving high SEO and cease and desist letter within its wake. Nintendo itself not being a friendly business when it comes those who love the franchise. What a love-hate relationship.

Back in the mid 1990s I was chirping “Clefairy” As a young'un, I was making silly games with the Pokémon and role-plays with a teenage, now today it's gone with all the time.

There's no denying of it's impact with the culture, even with its commitments and ideas reflected with the modding of other monster-trainers within the action genre. With its own trace into the card-trading scene which someone in my family does disclose unpacking on a streaming service, what a market.

Right now, a pack for something to be opened, with a surprising act.

Hearing about this overcommercialisation of this merchandise. It's no surprise though.

Matt and Trey have made a tiring satire of how overcommercialization it is, and I can only resonate so much. Since Children's media will always be more commercial than adult stuff. That's simple arthritic. Jaded as I was back being a kid, it's now time that my engagement cannot be serious over such harmless fun. (Got the that clip of a long essay of chinpokemon From those ambulance chasing writers. (WW2 Reference cw, If I could make an essay of those tired writers.)

Since the over-exposure and the familiarity, so the dignity began to dissipate with the poke-hunk community, brushing with many a controversy as the lack of structure as let us be like this.

That's what fandom is, It's not an amorphous blob to nitpick with, only through the little pit could civil conversation of the entertainment product could be had. It's been friendly enough. Hopefully they are critical of inequitable business practices to help melt the scepticism.

This mysticism of what is our fandom will still remain, and it's time we acknowledge the scepticism. Of our, what will be done with our cultural remnants of this big empire will have to be made into something new, without their eyes. They will be pin-up artists making them alternative versions down under, whether that it's prosumerist meta or not. I reserve my contention with the big-publishers, rather than the freelancers.

Expect to see more, and for those making something new. Block out it's noise if it ain't to your taste.- We are the fragments of the SEO and impressions made afresh. Collecting ourselves into new communions.

(Oh, the poke-hunks are better than whatever Nintendo publishes, fight me on that. Poke hunks spin-off? My favourite Graphic novel by Bryan Tybalt was based on Sherlock Homles.)